Where Are the Plant Heroes?

Physical Plant Himself:
I'm as patriotic as the next plant. But sometimes this country angers me.

Let me explain. The Professor has reached the dangerous and unpredictable Stage 4 of summer boredom, which I normally enjoy. This Stage is characterized by long periods of almost plant-like stillness, which would be comforting except that he's usually staring at something with this intense, slightly horrified look on his face. (Today it was a bottle of facial moisturizer used by the female to regulate sun absorption and maintain her youthful appearance.)

Then, just when you think he is going into some form of mental hibernation, he'll laugh crazily and walk quickly out of the room in order to chase the cats with the swiffer, (too bad those rumors aren't true), or throw the chef's knife at the cutting board from across the room while the cats hide under the couch.

Anyway, lately, Stage 4 has taken the form of a weird obsession with press releases issued by the North Korean ministry of propaganda. Evidently he thinks they are high fucking comedy. He left this one on the laptop screen today:

Ichon Hero Gingko Tree

Pyongyang, July 18 (KCNA) -- There is some 720 years old hero gingko tree in Ichon Township of Ichon County, Kangwon Province of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. It, planted in 1282, has been called "hero gingko tree" from the period of the Fatherland Liberation War (1950-1953). During the war, people there and military transport vehicles used to shelter themselves beneath the tree from the U.S. air raids.

One day in August Juche 41 (1952), a U.S. fighter spotted a truck of the Korean People's Army hidden under the tree and attempted to attack it. But the fighter ran into the tree to be crashed. From then on, the people of Ichon have called the tree "hero gingko tree."

By the collision, only one bough remained. Since then, the tree has shot out many branches to become exuberant. The tree is 20 meters high, 7.8 meters in the circumference of the lower part of the trunk and 14 meters in diameter of its umbrella. It opens flowers in the middle of April and bears some 100 kilograms of fruits every year.

The state has registered the tree as a natural monument.

Perhaps now you understand, stupid humans, why I am angry at this country today. Where are our plant heroes? Who are young American saplings to look up to? This North Korean ginko tree took out a human fighter jet with its branches.

On a daily basis, all over the U.S., heroic trees risk losing the majestic appearance of their trunks and limbs in order to smash passing convertibles piloted by inebriated human douche-bags. Where are the accolades? Where are the press releases?