Today I Smell of Victory

Physical Plant Himself: An exemplary day today! The Professor sat in his undergarments while consuming multiple bowls of something called Muesli and exactly 89% of The Raiders of the Lost Ark. Then the usual routine: he says fuck repeatedly, putting on the same shirt as yesterday and the light blue pants that the female hates and runs out the door with typical human urgency. Then he comes back twice, saying fuck and locating useful items. Bravo, shit-head. Don't ask me what the fuck is so important to do outside when nourishment, pollination and waste removal can all occur indoors, sometimes in the same room in a space of two hours! According to The Raiders of the Lost Ark, when the Professor goes outside, he jumps over the hole and whips the thing with urgency, then pollinates the female. Sometimes he gets to whip another human, which must be fun.

Since, in his rush, he left the TV on, I got to watch it all day with the General and the Postman. Unfortunately, I lack the appendages to operate the remote and they’re too fucking lazy to change the channel. We watched a commercial in which a male human was handed a hair removal device by a foxy female scientist in a lab coat. She had invented this hair removal device just for him! Five blades work better than four for extra sexy hair removal. Now they will pollinate! This got me thinking… I wish I had a sexy female scientist to invent whip-like appendages that I could use to whip the cats into obedience. Instead, however, the Professor left his deodorant next to my pot for me to use. I have no particular need for deodorant. My natural plant pheromones have always sufficed for pollinating the bitches. But the Professor has a new deodorant, whose scent promises Victory. There is a picture on the deodorant of a strong human arm, using a massive hammer to smash body odor into oblivion. This is exactly what I need, and is in keeping with my New Year’s resolution to achieve ruthless and final conquest over all enemies. Here is a photo of the Victory-scented deodorant. Nothing can stop me now.