Attack from Above!

Physical Plant Himself: This morning, like just about every Sunday morning, the Professor woke up mumbling something about “that’s not how you play baseball, Condoleezza,” threw four Advils at his face, missing with three of them, and went back to bed, pulling the sheet off the sleeping female.

I am eternally watchful and don’t require rest, unlike many so-called “sentient” creatures. (By the way, big fucking deal.) This is why, an hour later, I was taking a keen interest in the General’s attempt to eat one of the fallen Advil, hopefully poisonous for cats, when the Postman descended from the dresser like a furry black ninja, ripping and tearing at my beautiful foliage.

Attack from above! It was all a trap! The General had intentionally distracted me, and was now sneaking forward in order to dig my roots and chew on my tasty fronds. Why are cats such dicks? We should be banding together against the humans – instead, they prefer to leap from high places and fuck with my shit.

Luckily, I was saved by their pathetic fucking attention span. Some useless variety of winged invertebrate flew in the window and zigzagged into the bathroom. Evidently chasing prey that is actually capable of autonomous movement is more of a challenge. Assholes. They should pick on something their own size. Sometimes I see a large crow perched in the tree outside and wish it would burst through the window, tearing at their bellies and feasting on their delicious entrails.

Better yet, I wish Steven Segal would kick in the front door, his ponytail whipping around like a cobra, his karate chops like the blows of an axe. He would grasp cats by the neck and deliver them a stern lecture on the injustice of harassing defenseless plants. Then, when he gave them a chance to apologize and mend their ways, they would attempt a sneak attack, showing that their true animal nature and making them deserve full Steven Segal lethal fury. Perhaps at this point he would break a chair in half and wield the legs like nun-chucks. Then maybe he would devour their carcasses.

A couple of weeks ago I was lamenting my lack of whip-like appendages which would help me defend myself from small black cats. The Professor read my post and showed me a recent Times article about a medical team that implanted a microchip in the brain of a paralyzed human, allowing him to control a robotic arm with his thoughts. If the Professor were really a genius like he’s always saying he would construct such a device for me.


Retribution! Black kitties beware my vengeance!